Tweets from the Other Shore

Hi folks! Namaste!!

This will be my thread of diary notes, pure visions, pointing out instructions and casual sharings. Finally (!) after twenty years of writing on different forums, yet not really feeling at home in any of those, I am excited to be part of Modern Mahasiddha. I hope that many like-minded company here, to update and ventilate the culture of dharma in general, and vajrayana in particular. May the thunders and monsoon rain blessings of vajrayana mahasiddhas shower on all beings! Yeehaa!!!


My blog of many years:
Pemako youtube:

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Emotions of the Enlightened Mind

”Activities that are graceful, heroic, terrifying,
compassionate, furious, arrogant, possessive and
envious all without exception are perfect
forms of pure, self-illuminated wisdom.”
-Sahajayoginicinta, ancient female master of tantric buddhism

The moment I heard this quote, I jumped at joy! It is so spot on! I had never heard other scriptures or authors express this point like Sahajayoginicinta. The vast majority of authors explain how emotions become neutral. I’ve never seen any other author say how ”furious, arrogant, possessive and envious” emotions, that on the surface sound very samsaric, are expression of ”pure, self-illuminated wisdom”. This statement is really something else!

I didn’t grasp this point until I ended my purification process. Before that point I didn’t understand how all emotions, including the ones that used to make me contracted around the notion of self, could be self-illuminated wisdom. It sounded wonky and strange! But I see now how a fully enlightened person is emotionally completely free and actually expresses him/herself perfectly in response to prevailing circumstances or arising situations. After all mind phenomena is seen to be without a solid self, a mahasiddha keeps reacting to external circumstances not based on a notion of self but as an appropriate response. Both before and after enlightenment circumstances might be far from ideal and therefore emotions like depression and frustration keep happening both before and after enlightenment but… the difference between the two is great!

I was never attracted by the idea of becoming an etherically smiling buddha who was always fine with everything and never raised his voice. That sort of buddhahood never made sense to me. Perhaps in the perfect world, where the master in question never needs to worry about anything and only has kind and well-behaving people come to meet him, perhaps then it is fitting to have the expression of a peaceful buddha but to me, and I think to most people, that is an utopia.

In the history of vajrayana we have many accounts of wrathful behaviour of mahasiddhas (and this point has also been purposefully taken advantage of by bad teachers). In my experience, the life of a modern mahasiddha is no different.


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The past few days I’ve been watching video presentations of theravadan jhana-practice by a number of people (Leigh Brasington, Pim Wermeulen, Delson Armstrong, Bhante Vimalaramsi). I also ordered Brasington’s book on the topic that hasn’t yet arrived.

I’ve critisized “bubble practices” (shamatha, jhana, samadhi) for years, based on my own experiences of them from my zen and kriya yoga days. They were a dead end in terms of putting and end to self-based confusion and I just don’t understand why people practice them. In the presentations they always focus on how to get into jhanas but I am yet to find out why. Everyone says that they are “states” that you go into and get out of and therefore they cannot be the final solution to existential confusion, and yet folks practice them for years and years, putting big chunks of their lives into them. I just don’t get it, and it bothers me, so I decided to look into it, now that I have nothing else to do.

I hope (!) that I’ll find something that will make me understand and see jhanas in new light… and if I don’t, it’ll prove my original point.

I visited a particular dharma forum to take a look around and read some posts about stages of the path and enlightenment there. The posts were very technical in nature. It felt as if I was reading a manual for engineers written by engineers. Very clear, very complex but also very dry. I realized that I used to be very enthusiastic about such discussions, about “figuring out and explaining” but that seems to be gone now. I must have written thousand such pages myself online, in blogs, in my diary… Now it seemed like a big bunch of complex words and endless technical phrases that not only felt completely unnecessary but also felt like “stuff”, like clutter. They lacked joy and spontaneity.

While I always understood that a proper path map is needed I was never a fan of dharma or its methods. What I mean by this is that if it wasn’t directly related to lived experience, I was not interested. I had a problem and I needed to fix it so superficial study simply didn’t have a place in my life. Also, if there was no joy involved, I wasn’t interested. Lots of systems, traditions and groups are very masculine because they were started, formulated and passed on by men. I think that that’s where the dryness comes from. But we do need path maps and they necessarily come with a technological language and expressions. We can’t avoid using maps when we are on a journey but to not loose sight of what is most important and to have a balanced approach, the masculine practices need to be joined with feminine practices.

We do a number of feminine practices in Pemako. We sing, we dance, we play music, we do healing practices and, what is pretty much absent in most methods, we not only allow the use of intuition but encourage it. This makes our method light, joyful and playful which of course reflects on our minds and hearts.

Since tantra is about energy work that has to do with a vast system of energy channels and centers, I think it is sort of a crime to force it within some strictly defined instructions like is typically done. This is the reason why in our system beginners learn a form of practice (RBY) but as soon as they’ve learned it, they are allowed and encouraged to break it, as instructed in masterclass recordings. This not only addresses the present stage of one’s practice but also keeps the practice fresh because as the bhumi grounds get cleared up one by one, the form of practice keeps changing. That practice stays interesting and exciting is very important. All (kinds of) learning should be like this and I strongly think that it should be like this in yoga - or dharma - too. Intuition also plays part in dancing practices, music and rushen.

Our basic nature is full and good. All things are as they are, naked and complete without anything missing. Basic wakefulness radiates blessings to all beings to all beings to all beings. Cooooool and sweeeeeet…

Ugi: What do you regard the biggest challenge for Vajrayana Buddhism to really become part of our western spiritual landscape? And what do you think needs to change for this to happen?
Looking forward to reading your thoughts on this!

Kim: The word “western” might as well be replaced with “modern” and modern societies are of course all over the world.

When looking at the spiritual culture of the modern world today, I see quite a lot of enthusiasm but too little readiness (merit). There are lots of people enthusiastic about awakening but this interest is very shallow, even in vajrayana communities. I think that the main problem is that people don’t suffer enough, practice the (mahayana or vajrayana) dharma in a superficial manner but real results don’t come. So, at present, mahayana and vajrayana methods are quite well spread but the level of realization is low, at hinayana level, which is a weird situation. If there was a real need to become enlightened, the vajra vehicle would take students to the other shore… but of course this matter is affected by other issues too, but lack of real need is one. Even if the teachings were/are there, this doesn’t change the lack of people’s readiness.

This of course forces us to be realistic about the role and position of vajrayana dharma in this vast samsaric realm we call Earth. If even greats such as Dudjom Lingpa, who lived in buddhist culture, surrounded by ardent seekers, had only dozen or so students who attained full enlightenment, it is difficult to imagine how anyone could be more influential in the West. Even though I hope that vajrayana would become somewhat popular or “mainstream” for the sake of samsara itself, I am doubtful whether it actually leads to real results. When we talk about attaining buddhahood as the final result, this is nothing short of revolution but as explained there are prerequisites to travel in that vehicle. In addition to being confused and really unhappy, another prerequisite is genuine compassion towards everyone around us.

Zen buddhism was transmitted to Westerners within a decade who since then, as holders of the lineage, have made it their own, for better or worse. Some Western/modern zen groups look very Asian/Japanese/Chinese or Korean but at the same time there are many zen groups that look very different to their Asian predecessors. I have been told by a number of Western tibetan buddhists that one of the biggest problems in their society is that extremely few Westerners are made dharma heirs who’d have authority to make similar changes to make tibetan vajrayana better suited for the non-tibetan society. Why would any non-tibetan group, say Germans or Colombians for example, want to insist keeping their form and language strictly tibetan? History of dharma tells us about many methods and lineages that died due to various reasons. I think that strictly insisting a cultural form in a new environment is a kind of self-sabotage. Some tibetans have understood this, most haven’t. If this doesn’t change tibetan buddhism will be reduced to a memory of once thriving dharma culture, among others.

There are other things but maybe more later.

A huge contributor to this problem is the lack of transparency about the actual benefits of practice, i.e transformative insights. In a sense, dharma is expressed like politicians talk about politics, in a very foggy and obscure manner, purposefully avoiding discussing the main course. So everybody’s after enlightenment and folks even take vows to attain enlightenment for the sake of others but then nobody wants to talk about how it is actually done and hide behind nonsensical reasons.

Pragmatic dharma where the very purpose of dharma practice is openly discussed and there are no taboos, excels in this manner, we know that, regardless of other opinions no matter where they come from. People just aren’t willing to admit that dharma or yoga is similar to any other field of learning and that the best environment for learning is created with open, investigative and experimental spirit which is the opposite to religious or scientitic dogma.

So I think that the good old vague religious nonsense is a big reason why many people don’t take dharma seriously because people are fed up with it already.

All tantric systems agree on the fact that man has an energy body and that this energy body is the storage of all forms of self-delusion and negative emotion. All tantric systems discuss centers, channels, energies and teach various techniques of how to purify or remove the self-based habits from the system. All tantric systems do mantras, breathing practices, visualisations and mudras that affect the subtle body, i.e. the energy body, with the purpose of furthering purification or transformation so that our original and pure being, aka buddhanature, can be experienced, established and attained by releasing the self-based formations.

The energy body that is called by many names in yogic traditions, is the so called “aura” which we all have. It is the auric field of energy that stores the self-based imprints and negative patterns. Whether we talk about “paths and grounds”, the 10 ox-herding pictures or any other path model that has even been invented, it has to do with changes in the mind which is the same as energy body but people don’t really understand this nor know how to directly use it for their advantage.

There is no other area, venue or platform where the shifts or awakenings or purification or transformation takes place. It all happens in the energy body within the physical body and in the energy body outside the physical frame that is commonly called the aura. There is no other place where awakening or enlightenment would or will take place. But this fact is not pointed out well that would make people really grasp the point that getting enlightened is very much like any practical hands on process, like gardening or building of a house.

If you want to build a house, there is no point to keep on reading books or hearing lectures about it but at some point you need to get on with it and perform the task in as efficient manner as possible. You need to clear the plot, build the foundation, build the frame and so on, one stage after the other in systematical fashion and finally after a process that surely challenges you in many ways and forces you to think outside of the box and be creative, you will have built a house.

In my (pragmatic) view, getting fully enlightened is no different as a process than building of a house. Becoming a buddha has absolutely nothing to do with some ungraspable mysticalities that would somehow affect or even dictate one’s process and progress, and yet most people out there seem to think that way. In fact, even a great number of teachers of various traditions say that “there are no techniques that would directly generate awakening”. These kind of superstitions and sheer lack of proper knowhow are abound in this field of human knowledge. In my view and experience, both of them are simply misleading nonsense, and a sign that there is no real dharma culture in the world. It is yet to be born.

My original point to write this entry was to point out that all realisation happens (or doesn’t happen) in the energy body, that is the mind, that you already have right at this moment. Awakening does not happen elsewhere. This is why in tantra there are practices where you imagine a guru or deities in your aura or within your body or in the place of your body. All this is done because tantrics realise that the field of work is in the aura, not anywhere else. In Pemako we do practices like tapping and combing with guru or deity mantras to make this as palpable as possible, and to bring home the point that getting enlightened is and can be a very practical process.

Tapping: [](https://)
Combing: [](https://)

Western education is based on Western values and ethics, both established relatively long ago in history, perhaps you could say since 2000 years ago or even more. In my view western education teaches us from when we are small children to analyse, to categorise and to use logic as ways of education. We learn main subjects such as languages, mathematics and natural sciences in a systematical way that is marked by pragmatism.

When I think of vajrayana dharma that is marked by clearly western features, I see a very different type of vajrayana than its Asian predecessors because, like I briefly outline above, the whole mindset of Western or modern people (in modern world all over the globe) is very very different to that of ancient Asian cultures that gave birth and where Asian or tibetan vajrayana were formed. I could well say that the former looks very much like religion while the latter looks very little like a religion. That, to me, is only a good thing and in fact something that has been stressed over and over by ancient masters of all traditions and places.

Matt: I am struggling with this one right now: I don’t know if it is good to talk about realization because of the subtle pride it can create?
In a sangha that I am part of, I know of many folks that a free, but they only hint at it and never miss a chance to make a joke about being realized.
One teacher I heard speaking said it like this: “In Tibet, the yogis said don’t praise your wife, your horse or your meditation experience too much in public because it is a subtle type of pride of how great you really are.” Of course, this was delivered with humour and gusto!
To some degree, I believe there is merit in this. But on the other hand, I like the approach of openly confirming if there are results, but then again does this not go against the non-essential nature of what realization is?
Alas! The paradox.
But for sure, I think the biggest hindrance I think is that many practitioners don’t have the fruit of liberation and enlightenment enough in their crossroads enough as an aspiration because of its non-graspable nature.

Kim: I am very familiar with what you say but to me the logic of that never made sense. Let’s think this through.

Buddhist path is about insight into the empty nature of phenomena of the mind. We have these big and small insights or awakenings or openings through the practice of sutric or tantric vipashyana. These insights reduce and remove self-based reactions and habits, such as anger, pride or jealousy.

So, for the sake of discussion, let’s assume that the person in this example understands how buddhist practice works (or doesn’t work) and has a clear idea about the scope of awakening or realisation that culminates in emptiness of all phenomena which is when full liberation or buddhahood is attained. Many times people, not necessarily buddhists, have one or two mind-transforming openings and they think that they are “done” and completed the path but let’s assume that the person in question understands the practice and has a clear idea of the whole arc of insight, and therefore doesn’t fall into delusions about being done when he actually isn’t.

I certainly don’t deny that people with little insight, who typically start their own teaching activities and come up with their own special sensational interpretations about things, fall into this trap but this pitfall can easily be avoided by the two mentioned points.

So, we have a practitioner who has done some practice for some time, practices in a local group and joins retreats with a teacher, and then has his/her first awakening experience. Depending on how long the person has been practicing, the depth and quality of this shift varies. The shift can be “dry” or shallow, or it can be “wet” or rich and deep in the case of those who have watered the ground well with long practice prior to the first insight. I know some people who had their first shift after 20 years of engaged meditation practice and it really made them clear, soft and grounded for up to 2 years before the samsaric conditioning started again. I also know lots of people who didn’t have such background and whose awakening had a much shorter sobering effect on them but nevertheless made a change. Anyway, regardless of which one it is, the shift changes the way the person sees him/herself, the way he sees others and how he reacts to things.

So, that person tells his/her sangha friends that he has had this shift and describes how his mind has changed. If this happened in a community that practices pragmatic dharma, that person would already know that others have these experiences too and that they belong to the path or that they actually are the path. That person might go to their teacher or instructor to have it recognised and verified which is a very useful because through teacher’s verifications one comes to understand which experiences are proper shifts and which aren’t, i.e what buddhadharma is about. In the case of proper insight, the student would be congratulated of successful practice, given some context and encouraged to go further to the next milestone.

With this I am really describing a typical scene from secular education that we all have seen in school. Students are taught essentials, are given clear instructions and off they go writing their own essays, and some of them produce great works that are acknowledged by the teacher. I am simply suggesting to do the same in dharma.

So, I ask, where in all this is the great danger of falling prey to pride? Truly, how relevant is this concern of not talking about experiences because of the fear that it might make us especially proud or ego-centric in any other way?

Before or after awakening and throughout the path, self-based states keep arising, so if pride arises due to getting awakened it is nothing out of the ordinary. That is samsara but it gets reduced as the bhumis get purified one by one. So, my view is that if one gets proud or arrogant at any stage, it is simply an opportunity to keep going and again look through the selfing. Until buddhahood is attained, the samsaric mind keeps making us small and contracted but this doesn’t reduce the effect of had awakenings.

It is better to expose the inner potholes and possible pitfalls than to avoid them, no? So you simply engage in practice until you no longer need to, and along the way you have both sober and deluded periods alternating. There is no avoiding that… or actually I could go on (again) talking about false practices that basically keep folks in samsaric state without insights but won’t go there now.

Further about statements of attainments.

Whatever people might think about it, I have no problem to say that I have finished my practice and that I no longer need to do purification practices. I have realised emptiness of all phenomena fully and completely, like countless generations of yogis and yoginis before me. To me, this is a simple fact and there is no doubt about it. I know perfectly that through my many years of trial and error and about 30 thousand hours of practice, I have purified and perfected my bhumis. To me stating this is as normal as it is for an electrician to say that he is an electrician, or how a doctor states that he is a doctor. Why would or should I be shy about saying this aloud when it is how it is? It doesn’t make any sense to me because there is nothing special in me or in this attainment.

I am stating this, like many buddhas and mahasiddhas before me, to demonstrate and to encourage others to take practice seriosly and to get out of samsara. Awakenings happen through proper practice and purification advances until it is finished and there is nothing left to purify. Vows become fulfilled, the whole promise of vajrayana becomes fulfilled. This is simply what vajrayana can deliver.

My reply might seem radical but to me buddhism was always yoga, and never a religion. I won’t have anyone tell me what I can or cannot do, or what I am allowed to think or not. So, all in all, your comment is based on a cultural feature and like all cultural features, they change or are changed over time. About anything, we have the freedom to agree or disagree.

Yesterday I was describing to Kaisa about all the rude behaviour and ill gossip towards and about me within the 3 biggest zen buddhist groups in Finland over the years. One of them has been a monk for 40 years. Utterly unkind behaviour. I’ve seen a world famous buddhist nun with 50 years of practice have a completely uncontrolled fit of rage. I’ve seen a western dharma couple, practitioners since early 1970’s, praised by influential tibetan lama, threaten to burn bridges with me over calling out the mispresentation given by their lineage lama because it white washed the abusive behaviour of another lama. Just to describe a few. Then there’s the angry buddhists, the dharma pharisees, I won’t even start there.

Sadly and ironically, in my experience, the “peace, harmony and happiness” that buddhism is said and supposed to bring to humanity is just more of the same old war. For this reason I actually don’t have faith towards and certainly don’t trust much of the buddhist teachings. I’ve never thought of it that way but that’s how I feel.

Basis and requirement for truly effective mahayana buddhist practice, that takes one all the way to perfect enlightenment, is to separate the natural mind - buddhanature - and the self-based samsaric mind from each other. Finally both of them are the same but for starters we need to begin by separating the two because we need to taste the purity and clarity of our basic nature and spend many moments without the slightest distortion to create a foundation for further advancement. Only when we experientially separate the mud from pure water or vice versa, we create a ground for effective practice and a path appears in front of us.

This is the reason we shout a lot in Pemako practice.

Was listening to an live video introduction about a particular tb tradition and it’s atiyoga teachings, presented by an american lama, who has practiced since the mid 1990’s, I think.

It is always, without exception, problematic when atiyoga (aka nonmeditation, dzogchen) is taught by someone who is not firmly rooted in the effortless recognition of the basic state. I have seen it many times how in such a situation the essential meaning gets muddied, when mixing sayings from past masters (who are correct) with descriptions of one’s own that unavoidably distorts the meaning and nature of reality. This does not and cannot possibly work and the natural state, no matter how much devotion and enthusiasm there might be, is in fact missed and typically mistaken for shamatha meditation. This is very unfortunate. Some lamas who claim to teach dzogchen go much farther to say that shamatha is a necessity to learn and understand dzogchen. This is just-utterly-false.

Few years ago Leigh Brasington told me, “On a retreat at Spirit Rock, Tsoknyi Rinpoche took the many Spirit Rock teachers who were attending aside and told them explicitly not to try and teach Dzogchen. But they didn’t listen; several times I sat in the back of the room while one of them attempted to teach Dzogchen - and watched waves of confusion envelope the room.”

I’ve joined many dzogchen teachings over the years and saw the same thing happen, for various reasons. If the problem wasn’t in the lack of first hand experience of the lama and therefore there was nothing for the lama to transmit, the next problem usually was poor pedagogy so that people didn’t clearly understand the instructions given or three, the application was faulty somehow. Usually, there was no proper supervision by the lama or assistant teachers so the students were left without support too soon without anyone ever checking whether they got it right or wrong. This kind of thing never ever happens in secular education which is why I always refer to how important it is to have the basics of education in place. If lamas stopped to think about this they could easily fix these basic problems used in and taught by their traditions.

Confusion envelops the room… People and even the lama drifts in thoughts and daydreams, perhaps people fall asleep or sit in depressed dullness. It is called dharma but really it is adharma, the opposite of reality. It is samsaric meditation. It is weird… but people rely on faith and hope that this lineage is true and that somehow at some point they’ll get it, and yet typically this moment never seems to come for too many. There is no one supervising whether the lama or the students get it right or not. If the lama’s experience was never properly checked how could he/she possibly get it right?

There is far too much relying on the tradition and far too little relying on the ever-available blessing and transmission of the mahasiddhas. When it comes to tantric meditations, guru yoga being the most important of them, usually people have no idea that they should feel and absorb blessings. Also, there is faulty application of short practices (sem dzin) that potentially has the power to suddenly reveal the basic nature in seconds. You got to yank the heck out of those practices! Do them until they naturally drop! One or two Phets don’t deliver! This is why in Pemako we do from 50 reps to several hundred in a single session.

I don’t blame that western buddhists aren’t excited about vajrayana buddhism. Many get better results by practicing mindfulness or theravada. If vajrayana as a whole is to survive in the West all these problems need to be fixed.

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Some time ago I was talking with my friend Gyempo who has custom painted some works for me. He lives in Bhutan. I had been messaging with Gyempo’s brother Tashi who is a master woodworker who makes thrones and other decorative ornaments such as those in tb temples and monasteries. I couldn’t reach Tashi so I asked Gyempo if his brother might be able to make me a big Mahakala mask. He seemed to chuckle to my question and replied that his brother is a woodworker, not a mask maker. How foolish of me to ask a woodworker to make a mask!

Asian dharma culture is abound with art. There is dance, music, woodwork, metal work, sculpting, painting, calligraphy, writing, poetry and probably other forms too. Dharma in the West is a completely new thing but it is somewhat established, and yet there is basically no training whatsoever available in any or most of these artforms. This is very much reflected with how places in the West look. They have way less expression. In fact, I could say that they look dull. Hmm, I wonder if this contributes to the fact that western buddhist groups feel kind of lifeless.

“Visiting Western buddhist centers felt like I was back sitting in church. They were so puritanistic.”
-Lama Vajranatha John Reynolds

I’ve spent my adult life, since 2003, studying buddhist calligraphy and painting (see links below) and I’m a keen collector of high quality dharma art (that I buy from Asia). I just wanted to bring this up just to bring your attention to this matter.

This morning, on Christmas day, I was watching an interview with a Finnish orthodox christian monk. As I listened and watched him in his monk’s robes and hat, I realised that many of those who follow a religion, follow it is a lifestyle rather than as a path of realisation. Same with many meditators and buddhist meditators. Same with even many followers of realisation teachings, namely emptiness and nonduality. I don’t blame anyone for doing that.

All Things, the Body of a Buddha

Hello friends. Time for a little update.

Many things come and go in my mind but there is no change. All things rest in zero and the zero is pointless. We chase the meaning of life and try to find a purpose but of course this is just a self-based pursuit, another way that the self seeks to justify its existence. Reality is simply the way things are. Naked seeing, naked reality. If there is someone seeing the flower, the flower is not seen.

You are a buddha. Wakefulness is in all functions and actions that you do. There is no need to seek the wakefulness because it is already who you are. All life is the perfect flowering of things, a radiance that is original, complete and profound. In zero, reality blooms! In zero, satisfaction is perfect.

In reality there is no drama, no beauty, no meaning. You were never born and will never die. None of us will! Ah, the heart beats until it stops, unbelievably fantastic. Every thing in every moment, an eruption of joy and pleasure, never stopping, inexhaustible.

All things, the body of a buddha. No day, no night. No master, no disciple. No learning, no seeking, no finding, not without. Already complete and full! In heavens and earth, the dragons sing and lions dance. It is complete, it is complete already!


Those who are ready to practice, know how deep their trouble is. It is so deep that it hurts. And when you do your tantric practice it keeps revealing where you hurt the most and sometimes you drop on your knees because it hurts so bad. But it also keeps revealing the mind of freedom in you. Gradually you become you and the hurt gets less. And finally you are liberated, free in full. At this point you graduate all yogas and tantras of the mind, you become complete, your whole psyche lit up and pure. You become a buddha and have finished the path for good. If you need to, you can do this. Padmamsabhava did, Jesus did, I did, 6 others in Pemako sangha did, countless others have done too… You can too, so get on with it and don’t give up.

I still like sitting down for meditation. On maybe half of the mornings I intend to sit for sometime but I might forget or get distracted by something so on most days I don’t sit or practice at all. Sitting or not sitting, my state remains without change or interruption. People tell me I radiate soft blessings, sometimes fierce power. From existential perspective, it’s all the same but from the perspective of having a purpose the situation isn’t ideal.

If I ask myself what would I do if I had no responsibilities, one thing that comes into my mind would be to go into retreat. I’d love to live in seclusion again in the sunny mountains somewhere. I’d do what yogis and siddhas have done for ages, basically just be a bum in a gorgeous view.

I remember those days from my past lives like it happened yesterday. I don’t really miss that lifestyle but at present being without purpose most of the time it’d definitely be more enjoyable. With responsibilities I refer to my children and my position as the head teacher of Pemako. I love my children and I will stay close to them until they grow a bit bigger but being a part-time dad, not being with them most of the time, I start thinking of other options.

In one sense I have already fulfilled my purpose towards my students. They now have clear instructions and a proven path to follow. They seem to have very little use for me anymore. That is fine but it makes me wonder why I am here and if my time would be better used somewhere else. Maybe in retreat just sitting in samadhi for years and years, maybe as a wandering monk or maybe doing something else.

I used to have a clear plan how things would go at work or how I’d like them to go but these dreams just never seem to begin actualizing. Maybe they still will but at the same time, due to the yogic habit formations from many past lives, I automatically start thinking of long retreats, as there isn’t much happening in the external world where I’d be really needed.

Maybe in a year or two I’ll pack my bag, head towards the mountains and you’ll never see me again. Knowing that I have fulfilled my duty as a dharma teacher, I’d go without unfinished business.